The Date Doctor
by porcelaindakota
Summary: When Zuko has girl problems, he turns to Sokka for help...but even with the help of the greatest earthbender in the world, can they get rid of one very determined fangirl? Starring Zuko, drunk!Zuko, Sokka, Toph, and one very ugly OC.


Sokka's boots tapped across the ornate marble floor of the Fire Nation palace as he sung quietly to himself: "…it's a long, long way to Ba Sing Se…" It was late: he was one of the last guests to return from a ball that had been held earlier that evening, hosting delegates from around the world. The intention, of course, had been to "foster peace and humanity between the nations!"

Sokka, despite technically being a delegate for the Southern Water Tribe, had mainly paid attention to the food. There had been nothing better to do. Aang and Katara had danced the whole night, Toph mysteriously disappeared after the ball began (she hated formal occasions), and Zuko had been forced to talk to the foreign dignitaries and play host. All in all, it was a rather boring event.

But the food had been good, he reminded himself. So it hadn't been a total waste.

Suddenly, he was jarred out of his thoughts by a red-clad arm reaching out and dragging him behind a stone pillar. After being taken aback for a moment, Sokka lashed out at his captor in the darkness, kicking blindly at the dark shape. Then, there was a flicker of firelight, revealing Zuko, looking pissed (to put it mildly), one arm holding a small flame aloft, the other protecting his crotch from further harm.

"Damn it, Sokka!" he hissed, his voice high and squeaky.

Sokka bit back a laugh and bowed. "How may I serve my Fire Lord tonight?"

"By not kicking me ever again!"

Sokka grinned. "It was my warrior instincts, Lord Zuko," he replied, talking in an exaggerated deep voice. "I can assure you it won't happen again." _Providing you don't grab me again, _he thought.

Zuko scowled, recovering slightly. "I need your help."

"I'm honored. May I ask why, my Lord?"

Zuko snuffed the flame, gesturing for Sokka to follow him. "A girl," he mumbled, leading the way back to his chambers.

Sokka didn't bother to hide his surprise. "You like girls?"

"I'm not even going to bother to answer that."

"Fine." Sokka sped up so he could walk side-by-side with the young Fire Lord. "What's your problem?"

Zuko frowned, his golden eyes narrowing. "I have a stalker. Or a fangirl, whichever term you prefer."

Sokka stopped in pure shock. "Wait. So you're telling me a girl…likes_ you_?" Zuko nodded. "What's wrong with her? Can she not find anyone better?"

"Please, just stop talking."

"_Seriously!"_

"No," Zuko sighed. "She's bizarre. She follows me around. Do you remember how Ty Lee used to act around you?"

Sokka shivered. "She's like that?"

"Worse. _And _she's the daughter of an Earth Kingdom nobleman, who's heading up the treaties between the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom. So I can't tell her to get lost, or, you know…"

Sokka crossed his arms over his chest. "No, actually I don't know."

"…use various other Fire Nation methods of persuasion."

"Oh."

"So, your job," Zuko cleared his throat and moved aside the curtain to his chambers, "Is to help me figure out how to get rid of her. Without putting international relations in jeopardy."

Sokka paused. "I think I can do that. But, just to be curious…why did you ask me for help?"

"Who else was I supposed to ask? Aang? My uncle?" He could only imagine the type of advice Iroh would give: _"Have you tried tea, nephew? Tea can be very persuasive."_

No, Iroh was definitely not a viable option. Neither was Aang—for what Zuko considered obvious reasons.

Sokka nodded. "Yeah, I guess. Or maybe my vast experience with women drew you."

"Um, no. The last girl that 'liked you' was a few pieces short of a Pai Sho set, if you know what I mean," Zuko said, thinking of Ty Lee.

"She was just…overly enamored."

"_Crazy!" _Zuko coughed, looking away covertly. "And let's think about the others—one got turned into the Moon Spirit," Zuko said, counting on his fingers, "And the other was a prisoner of war for months. You don't have a good track record with women."

"None of that's my fault!" Sokka sputtered.

"I'm sure," Zuko mused, voice trailing off.

"So…" Sokka pulled out his boomerang and began to idly toy with it. "What's she like?"

"Ugly." Sokka arched an eyebrow. Zuko frowned back. "It's the truth." Sokka rubbed his temples, exasperated; he could only imagine the state of the Fire Nation under so thick a leader.

"You could make out with Toph in front of her," Sokka suggested.

"One, that's _disgusting, _and two, Toph would kill me," Zuko replied. "How about someone more docile…like Katara? Or Suki?" he asked, making sure to hit the other boy where it hurt.

Sokka cringed at the mental image of his sister or girlfriend kissing Zuko. "Okay, fine. Different plan."

"As long as there's no killing, maiming, or _making out," _Zuko muttered. "She's obsessed with me." He pulled his robes tighter around himself, almost protectively. "I'm considering faking my own death." Sokka thought for a moment, brow furrowed. Then…

"We need to scare her away!"

Zuko frowned. "How? I'm the Fire Lord; she sees herself as the next Fire Lady. She won't give up."

"_Please. _You scare most girls off without even trying." Zuko glared at him. "Fine, fine, get all defensive," Sokka said, crossing his arms across his chest. "But it's the only feasible idea."

"Fine. And _how _do we scare her away?"

Sokka's words came slowly: "We need an expert." He tucked his boomerang back into its pouch, a warrior preparing for battle. "We need a girl."

* * *

Ten minutes later, they stood outside one of the palace's ornate bedrooms, staring apprehensively at the door.

"Does Toph count as a girl?" Zuko asked, breaking the silence. Sokka ignored him and knocked.

After a moment, the door groaned open, casting a long shadow on the small figure inside.

"What?" Toph asked, irritated, her hair unkempt and wild, wearing her elaborate green and gold robe askew. She was scratching herself in a most unladylike area.

Just as Zuko opened his mouth to speak, she belched.

"Perfect," Sokka said, crossing his arms and beaming.

Zuko shut his eyes and prayed.

* * *

"So you need to get rid of a girl?" Toph asked after being briefed on the dire situation. She was seated on her plush canopy bed, resting her head on her fists. Zuko leaned against the wall across from her. The room was pitch black, a single torch giving it a muffled, warm light.

Zuko was growing tired of having to explain the situation over and over. He sighed. "That would be the point, yes."

"Sorry, I just wanted to be sure. It's just so surprising that girls like _you."_

"Exactly!" Sokka cried, lying on the floor. "That's what I've been saying this whole time!"

"Could we be a little more serious? Please?" Zuko asked in a calm and measured (though annoyed) voice. "My _life _is at stake here."

"It's not that serious. You think it will be that hard to scare a girl away from you?" From his position on the ground, Sokka made a muffled noise of vindication. Toph paused, thoughtful for a moment. "It'll be easiest if you ask her out."

"_What? _There's no way I'm asking her out. _No way." _Then he stopped, dead still. "Do you think I could convince her to an Agni Kai?"

Sokka burst out laughing from the floor—the sleep deprivation was making him hyper—and Toph grunted and fell back against her bed. "_No. _You'd get in huge trouble if you disfigured her"—("You're supposed to kill them in an Agni Kai," Zuko muttered under his breath)—"And that's definitely a no-no," Toph continued loudly, speaking over Zuko's sentence. "You're going to have to go out with her, at least once," she said wisely. "That's the only way to be close enough to her, without advisors and her daddy around, to freak her out."

"There's no way I'm going to stay in a room, alone with her, for hours," Zuko shuddered. "I don't want to think about what she'd do to me." _She'd rape me, _he thought.

"Fine." Zuko looked up at her in surprise, eyes wide. "Then you won't go alone."

"What are you saying?"

She smirked evilly. "Sokka and I will go with you. It'll be a double date."

"_What?" _It was Zuko's turn to laugh, as Sokka sprang up from his prone position on the floor so fast that his head collided with the foot of the bed in a resounding wooden _thunk. _

Toph kneeled on the floor and poked the limp warrior inquisitively. "I think that knocked him out."

"Whatever." Zuko yawned, disregarding the unconscious Sokka with a wave of his hand. "I'm going to bed. Just make sure not to trip on him."

* * *

Needless to say, Sokka wasn't pleased with his friends the next morning. He found Zuko poring over official papers in his study, intent on giving him a piece of his mind.

He wasn't very successful.

"You tell me that I have to go on a double date with you and Toph, and then you leave me unconscious on the floor for _hours?" _

"That's a pretty good summary, yeah."

Sokka, for lack of a better word, huffed. "I never even agreed to go on this date anyway. I already have a girlfriend, thank you very much."

Zuko shrugged, still not looking up from his documents. "Whatever. Just explain to Suki that it's vital, confidential Fire Nation government business, and that you have to go."

"But it's not vital confidential Fire Nation government business!"

"Not my problem." Zuko wrinkled his nose, creating frown lines across his forehead. "Can you leave now? I'm busy."

"No, I can't leave! You have to fix this, Zuko!"

"Look, I already told Menai—that's her name—that we're going on a double date. Toph's already planning on it, and I've reserved a restaurant. It's done. Deal with it."

"But—"

Zuko snapped his fingers, and two burly Fire Nation soldiers materialized out of seemingly nowhere, grabbed Sokka by the shoulders, and informed him that the Fire Lord was, unfortunately, a very busy man, and would he please come with them?

* * *

Sunset, Zuko reminded himself, staring reluctantly out the window. Zero hour. He quickly changed into a clean set of robes, tucked his broadswords neatly into his belt—_just in case, _he thought grimly—and set out for the throne room, where he had arranged to meet Toph, Sokka, and Menai—his date.

Toph and Sokka were already there, waiting, when he arrived. Sokka, who still looked extremely disgruntled, was also sporting a large purple welt on the side of his head. Zuko decided not to comment.

They were only forced to wait a few moments in anxious silence before Menai arrived.

Sokka started, and gave an inaudible "oh!" of surprise when she pulled back the crimson curtains and entered the room. Zuko shut his eyes for a brief second, suddenly overcome with the strong desire to blind himself (_Agni, I want to be Toph, _he pleaded).

Sokka would have thought that the daughter of a prominent, elite noble family, though not necessarily beautiful, would at least not have been painful to look at. Yet she was. Menai had hair the color of dried, cracked mud, braided into two ordinary plaits. She had beady, squinty eyes, of the typical brown Earth Kingdom color, and her nose was absurdly huge. For a moment, Sokka wondered how so huge a nose could, in fact, physically remain on her face. He thought for sure it would fall off. Or that she'd be constantly bumping into things with it.

Toph beamed at her, obviously eager to put the boys in any sort of awkward situation. "Hello, Menai! Zuko has told us so much about you!" She attempted to channel her mother's gift for mindless society chatter.

"Really?" Menai asked, smiling wide and revealing yellow buckteeth. "Oh, Zuzu, you shouldn't have!" Zuko gritted his teeth at the name, but said nothing.

Toph laughed, high and airy. "Oh, all good, of course!" Menai giggled along with her.

"I guess it's time to go," Zuko said, grimacing and looking longingly behind him, as if someone would burst into the room and rip him away from the date from hell.

When no one did, though, he reluctantly offered her his arm, and proceeded to lead the odd group out of the room. Toph caught a whiff of fish as she walked by.

Sokka waited until Menai was out of earshot before stomping on Toph's foot. "We're supposed to be helping Zuko ditch her, not be best friends with her!" Toph snorted and kicked him in the shins.

So far, the date had begun _perfectly…_

* * *

The restaurant, had, of course, been entirely vacated for the Fire Lord and his guests. Except for the cooks, hidden away in the kitchen, and two lone waiters who preferred to hide in the far corner of the restaurant than approach their Fire Lord, the restaurant was entirely deserted.

Sokka waited until they had been seated and the waiters had disappeared before whipping off his boots and placing his feet, clad only in yellow socks (which were supposed to be _white) _on the table, precariously close to Menai's plate.

"Still having foot trouble?" Zuko managed. He had always been a horrible actor, after all.

Sokka nodded, entirely serious. "Yeah. The fungus just keeps coming back. Nothing works!" He saw Menai look mildly affronted out of the corner of his eye.

"Odd," Zuko said, suddenly becoming very interested in the cuffs of his robe. "Mine went away after a couple weeks."

"So!" Menai burst in, voice oddly bright. She yanked Zuko's arm, _hard, _practically pulling him out of his chair and into her lap. He only just managed to cling to his seat. "Zuzu told me that you're part of the Bei Fong family," she said to Toph, attempting to ignore Sokka, who was now stubbornly trying to pull his socks off.

"Yeah," Toph replied absentmindedly, sticking a finger into her ear. "Darn wax…" she muttered, jamming it in harder.

Menai's eyes widened for a second before she turned back to Zuko, obviously deciding that the rest of their company was too disgusting to deal with. "You look so adorable in this robe," she cooed, reaching over in what Zuko at first thought was an attempt to straighten it for him.

However, it soon became apparent that was _not _the case, as her fingers began to wander of their own accord over his chest, pausing before beginning to venture lower…Zuko gulped.

"I'll check on the drinks!" he said, practically falling out of his chair and staggering towards the kitchen.

As he retreated, he couldn't help but overhear Toph's loud, obnoxious questioning: "Is it possible to get bugs stuck in your ear?" He ran faster.

The cooks couldn't help but stare as their Fire Lord sprinted into the kitchen, panting and seizing at his robes.

"Do you have any sake?" he asked desperately. "Wine? Anything remotely alcoholic?"

Twenty minutes later, Zuko stumbled back to the table, tripping into his chair and laughing drunkenly.

"Um…you okay?" Sokka asked, staring at him. Toph covered her face in her hands.

"Zuko?" Menai screeched. "Are you _drunk?"_ Zuko just threw his head back and laughed again.

"…that'd be a yes," Toph grumbled from between her fingers. Getting Zuko drunk had not been part of the plan. Dinner hadn't even started yet!

Unfortunately for the Fire Lord, alcohol had entirely decimated any and all common sense; the situation was worse than Toph could have ever believed. He stuck his teeth out over his lip, making it look like he had buckteeth like Menai. "Are you drunk?" he imitated, leaping up and swinging his hips, making his voice high and falsetto.

"You can't be drunk!" Menai hissed, grabbing his arm and forcing him back into his chair. "You're the Fire Lord!"

Zuko's vision was starting to turn blurry. "Does that mean I can't enjoy myself?" He hiccupped. "This isn't the country my father ran, dammit!" He slammed his fist into the table. "Back then, a Fire Lord had rights!"

"Zuko, your father was a homicidal maniac," Sokka said conversationally. Zuko began to sway in his chair.

"I can't believe you're talking about _Fire Lord Ozai _at the dinner table!" Menai said. "This is disgusting! I can't believe you, Zuko!"

Zuko stood up shakily, supporting himself on the table and staggering over to Menai. "But that's my fault," the Fire Lord said, changing subjects abruptly in the way only a drunk could; "I'm sorry I led you on, Menai." He hiccupped again. "It wouldn't work."

Menai snapped out of her angry funk. "Of course it would work," she simpered, attempting to smile sweetly. "We have a connection, Zuzu."

Zuko shook his head drunkenly. "I'm just not a one-woman man, Menai," he declared, somehow pulling another bottle of sake from his robes. "I can't settle down. I'm a dangerous person. I'm sorry for leading you on," he repeated. The sake began to spill down the front of his robes as he sloppily tipped the bottle into his mouth.

"Zuko—"

Zuko clapped a hand over her mouth. "That's final Menai. I'm no good for you," he slurred. Then, hand still over Menai's mouth, he turned to Sokka. "And I'm sorry for leading you on, too," he said, throwing the arm clutching the bottle of sake around him. "But it's like I said before, it wouldn't work. We're too different. I'm sorry," he finished mournfully, somehow managing to make it sound convincing despite the drunken way he was stringing his words together.

Then, without further ado, he shut his eyes, fell backward, and passed out cold on the floor of the restaurant. Menai looked scandalized; Sokka still appeared to be in shock from Zuko's drunken blithering, and Toph simply sipped her tangerine water serenely.

"I can't believe this!" Menai said, and stormed from the room.

Toph and Sokka looked at each other for a moment, and then at Zuko, unmoving on the ground. He was beginning to snore.

"You grab one arm?" Toph guessed, rising from her chair. Sokka stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

He knelt down and grabbed the bottle of sake from Zuko's clenched hands. "It's not my fault he went and made an ass of himself. I'm going home." He frowned, sniffing the sake. "Damn, that's strong. _Anyway, _I don't remember a certain Fire Lord helping me out when I was lying unconscious on the floor."

"Sokka—"

"Whatever, Toph. I'm out of here." He took a long drag from the sake, spun on his heel, and disappeared from the restaurant. With one last look at Zuko, snoring under the table, Toph followed.

Slowly, one by one, the kitchen staff began to creep out of hiding.

One fingered Zuko's clothing, examining the gold embroidery.

"How much do you think I'd get for this?"

* * *

_Author's Note: I actually wrote this a long, long time ago, and just now got around to posting it here. I feel like it was rushed in several places--and it may not be that funny, who knows? My first attempt at writing a comedy story. So...input much appreciated!_

_-sugarland_


End file.
